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because i love all you gorgeous tumblr people i feel i should tell you about me, and my last year and a bit of hell. no this is not in anyway for attention. i put this here so you people learn a valuble lesson- that your parents brought you into this world, and they do so much for you. we can honestly never replay them for what they do, so never in hell push your parents away, you will always need them in the end, and somethings their end will come sooner than you think.

so nothing can really prepare you for losing someone you love. its emotions are entirely unexplainable, but i shall do my best.

2010 , mid october, walking home from the shops on a thursday afternoon with my bestfriend. no phone on me. my parents had left 3 days before this to singapore, my dad was on a buisness trip and my mum was there for moral support and comfort. so my auntie was looking after me and my older sister. a simple business trip i thought, just like all the rest he’d been on. but he never made it home.

i hear a sudden beeping from behind me and see my auntie and cousin in a car, they tell us to get in, i immediatly knew something was wrong as my auntie was meant to be at work until 6, it was only 4.

my auntie and i got dropped off at home, and my cousin dropped my bestfriend home, as she only lived around the corner.

and then it happened. my auntie sat me down with my sister on my right. i remember feeling tears come into my eyes, before i was even told what had happened. 

“your father has passed away abbi”

then the tears were gone. strange right? this was due to my body losing functions. i was in an horriffic state of shock and i started hyperventalating. i collapsed to the floor and about 10 minutes afterwoods, the tears came. and they lasted on and off for about 3 weeks. 

you see, my dad, was like my bestfriend. we had such a close relationship compared with many teenagers, who generally push their parents away.

he died of a heart attack during his sleep. my bestfriend in the world, my loving father was gone forever. and do you know whats messed up? we didnt even know he was sick. and neither did he.

my biggest fears, are forgetting his voice, his laugh, his hugs.

i didnt get to see him in the hospital like most people do, i didnt get to see him for three days before this had all happened, i barely got to say goodbye, i mean, he was supposed to be coming home the next day right?

everytime i hear the doorbell, somewhere inside me says, “dads home from singapore!” but hes not.

my mum came home the next day and she was in a bigger state of shock than i was, she was hyperventalating for hours and crying for hours aswell. she had anxiety and paranoia and even depression at one point, but she is fine now.

there are many more details to this story, but im sticking to the main points. so treat your parents with the love they deserve, dont push them away, pull them closer.
because you never know when you can lose them.

gone just like that.

he wont get to see me grow up, turn 18, or even 15. he wont get to walk me down the isle. he wont get to see his grandchildren, and hug them just like he once hugged me. i wont get to see him grow old, i wont get to hear his voice ever again.

i love my dad with all my heart, and i miss him forever. there is a hole in my heart stolen by him. forever with him up in heaven.

even these days, i find myself slipping. reliving those memories of first being told and feeling my body start to shake all over again. 

unexplainable. uncontrolable. unfathomable.

in situations such as fights between family members or friends. or boy problems ofourse, i find myself going numb and empty and cold. yes you can actually feel that way. and tears dont come as easily as they used to, maybe ive used them all up.

it all just seems like a never ending dream. one day im gonna wake up and it will all be over. ill wake with a shock and say “what a terrible dream” and ill run downstairs and my entire family will be there, happy, and fully functional. but to my reality, sadly that will only ever be a thought in my mind.

i live each day as though nothing ever happened and i dont know why. i think thats my way of coping with it all, if i didnt block it then i would be too weak to function. This is why people think of me as “strong”, because i no longer project my emotions. because no one ever see’s me cry.

only people who have lost someone they love will understand that not only do we have to deal with the loss but also all of our un-finished business with them. what we wish we could have done, could have said. i have so many regrets that would seem so minor to people, because they take their parents for granted. i wish i had told him that i loved him every single day. i wish i had hugged him for just a few seconds longer before he left. and probably what would seem the silliest regret of all is what eats away at me the most. and i utterly hate myself for not doing it. my dad texted me 2 times while he was away- “abbi! how was your day? love you xx”-this was sent one the first day ,”how are you! xx”- and this was sent on the second. and me, being the careless girl i was, ignored those texts. i simply over looked them thinking that i would just see him in a few days and that they didnt matter. my last chance of communication with him and i fucking ignored it. i cant help but thinking if he didnt care when i didnt reply, or if he was sad. god it would kill me if i knew he was upset that i didnt reply. but do you see how much we take for granted? appreciate your parents, the people who brought you into this world, the people who love you, pay for you, provide you with food and water, educate you. appreciate them WHILE YOU CAN. i can not stress this to you enough!

by battle with my emotions is ever lasting and when i have my downs, its really further down that you could ever imagine. i have no control over how i feel anymore. as much as i hate to talk about it, depression is a constant thing to me, and i cant control it, please do not hesisitate to message me if you are ever feeling down.

im used to people pushing me away. but my loving friends keep me grounded. without them i am nothing. i cant even explain my love for them! they bring out the best in me <3

to all my friends. never give up on me please, no matter how down or distant i may be at times, dont take it to heart. i love you all so much. xoxo

http://abbi-rose.tumblr.com/post/4804835209/this-is-me-and-my-amazing-dad